This is a blog I’ve thought about writing a zillion times in the last 15 weeks, and yet the timing never “felt right”. My heart and mind were still undecided about running and being honest about the unknown is scary, so I told myself it wasn’t time. I wanted things figured out and presented perfectly before I laid it out there. But the reality is, life is messy and how often do we really have everything figured out? And even if we create the perfect plan, it rarely turns out that way.
This surgery and period of recovery has challenged me to take a step back from running. In the beginning I knew it was the healthiest thing I could do and hoped that after a few weeks it would be clear what I wanted to do. For the first time in 20 years, I did nothing for 10 weeks. Not one PT exercise, cross training session, ab routine, etc. In good faith I got exercises from my PT at 6 weeks, believing I would start preparing to weight bear. But the motivation wasn’t present and I chose not to force it. It was freeing to realize that while I do enjoy being active, it is not necessary for me to live life with intention and joy.
This has been an incredible realization, but also left me questioning what it meant for running. If I can live fully without being active, does that mean I am embarking on a new season of life where running is a leisure activity and I get a “normal” job? Or is this just a natural part of the process of taking a step back and the drive and motivation to push my body at a high level will come back?
I wish I knew the answers to these questions, but the truth is, despite all the hours of analyzing, I don’t. Both options excite me and scare me at the same time. I would rather have it figured out, but I am choosing to continue to live in the tension of not knowing. It’s an uncomfortable place to be, but I am trusting that I will know when the time comes. Until then, I am working on being confident and vulnerable in the midst of the unknown. I trust that I am exactly where I am meant to be.